i think sometimes we believe if we keep things to ourselves, we can't be hurt. if others don't know what we're dealing with, what we're uncertain of, what we're struggling with...we don't have to talk about it. we don't have to deal with being honest, being vulnerable, being real. we can just hide...and find safety in our secrets.
or at least we think it's safety. we don't realize until we find ourselves in tears at the end of the road that we really aren't safe at all. we are drowning, neck deep in secrets. neck deep in hurt. neck deep in confusion, wishing someone could throw us a rope.
but nobody knows we need help. nobody knows our secrets. nobody is there, because we've pushed them away or kept them at arm's length. and then what?
we hit a breaking point. we cry out "help me! this is ME, being real. i am not who you think. i am not ok. i need help. i need an ear to listen. i need a hug to warm me. i need a friend. please."
we admit that we need others in our lives. we admit that we can't do life alone. it scares us because we're not use to pulling others into our world. that is a door we've never let anyone else walk through. it leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain...we wonder what these people will think...what they will say...what they will do.
but then we remember that at least...we're not alone.
at least someone now knows our secrets, and there is security in accountability.
i've learned recently that i need to do a better job at letting people into my life and allowing myself to be loved. it's hard for me to trust people, but i'm getting better. i think God has brought some really amazing people into my life that he is going to use to break my shell. i think it could be good. i think he is going to begin to heal my heart and show me what it means to truly live.