let me paint a picture for you.
you are standing in an open field. it's summer. the sun is just beginning it's descent to the west. there is prairie grass as far as the eye can see. dandelions, thistle, a beautiful pasture of green. the wind is ever so present. just strong enough to send a breeze through the air and across your skin. you inhale deeply, and all you can smell is earth. it's refreshing, it's natural, it's real.
to your left, you see cattle grazing on the honeysuckles, whipping their tails with delight. they are free to roam the countryside, and the hills are their buffet. over and to the right, you see a mud hole. there are pigs making their way back and forth from the mud hole to the grass, eating and splashing. you know this is their element. you can see it in their eyes. they are happy, they are dirty, and their bellies are full. in the distance, you see a farmhouse. there is a big tree out back, with a tire swing. you can hear laughter, and a screen door slam shut. two kids run from the house to the yard where a picnic table is waiting, piled high with food. as you walk closer, you see the watermelon, the strawberries and the baskets of fresh bread. there is corn on the cob, pink lemonade and a stack of hamburgers at the center of the table. a family gathers around, says a prayer for the meal, and digs in.
here are some questions for you. right before you "dig in", do you wonder what you're eating? do you think about where it came from, how it was produced, or whether or not it's good for your body? do you think about whether or not your body will be able to easily digest it, if it will cause you to gain weight, or if it's full of vitamins and minerals? Or on the other side of the coin, if it's plump full of antibiotics, pesticides and other harmful toxins that your body was not meant to consume? have you ever wondered if what you're eating made it from the farm to your plate in an ethical manner? i could keep asking questions, but i'll let you rest, for a moment.
i think it's safe to say that most of us don't think about these things before we take a big bite out of a juicy hamburger. we don't think twice before we ravage a bag of chips or inhale a package of m&ms. we just eat. we eat because we're hungry, because it makes us feel good and because it's fun. eating is enjoyable and what once was something we did to stay alive, has turned into a reason to get together with friends and family, a solution for a bad day, and an excuse to spend lots of money.
let's go back to the picture i tried to help paint for you at the beginning. when you think about farms, is that how you picture it? cattle and pigs roaming the open fields, filling up on grass and living life the way God intended? if that IS how you picture it, you're not alone. i think most of us would like to believe that is how it works. we feel better picturing our steak that way. it seems ethical, healthy and...right. however, this "idea" of a farm, is getting harder and harder to come by. these types of farms hardly exist anymore. what has replaced them, is the answer to our society's demand for cheap, convenient food.
they are called stockyards. in a stockyard, animals live in a fenced in area so small they can hardly even lay down. they trample each other, they stand in their own manure all day, and many of them eat corn and animal parts (instead of grass). they get diseases and are often given "antibiotics" to heal them. then, after their very short time on earth, they get slaughtered in ways that we don't like to think about and they end up in our local grocery store chains at a price we like to see. (SALE: T-Bone Steaks for just $3.99 a lb!)
We don't like to think about stockyards, yet we are the ones that have allowed it to happen. Without even realizing it. We hit up the drive-thru at McDonald's and want a tasty burger, at a good price. Oh, and we want it NOW. As a society, we demand two things: cheap prices and convenience. I don't think we meant to get this way, but it's been the natural progression - and to go backwards, wouldn't make sense. Some of us couldn't comprehend what it would be like to have to place an order for a pound of ground beef and pick it up at a farm 3 days later. That seems outrageous. Who would do that, right?
The answer is, a lot of people do that. We just don't hear about them, and it's a world most of us know nothing about. My husband and I knew very little about this world, until recently. About a month ago, we got Netflix, and we've been watching a lot of movies. We are big documentary geeks, and one of the first ones we watched (after some weird movie about a rock band called "Anvil" that never made it big) was FOOD INC. It blew both of us away. Out the door and down the street actually. It was a huge eye-opener.
the jist of the movie is simple. we, as a society, know very little about what we eat, where it came from and whether or not it's good for our body. It talks about how there is a handful of corporations that monopolize the entire food industry and how they have put profit ahead of consumer health, the livelihood of the American farmer, the safety of workers and our environment. i think the reason i loved and hated this movie so much at the same time, was because i knew by seeing it, i had come to a turning point. i was in one of those places where to go on as normal, wouldn't be ok anymore - but - to make serious changes, would require effort and would be hard. however, here i was, and it was time to make a decision. good thing mark felt the same way. we had been introduced to a whole different perspective. this "organic/green/sustainable" stuff meant very little to us. we had heard about it from time to time, and we knew some people that were "into it" but we just didn't know enough to care or make any changes. after this movie, we both felt a similar conviction. we wanted to do what we "could do" to make a difference.
so, what does that look like for us, thus far? a few things. first, we have decided to limit our fast food consumption. it would be easy to say "oh, i will never eat fast food again." however, i know that isn't practical. i will. i know i will. BUT, i won't do it nearly as often. i didn't eat much fast food to begin with, but this whole conviction has really motivated me to cut it out of my life even more, if not altogether.
second, we've decided to start buying the majority of our groceries from a local co-op. it's crazy how you can discover several alternatives to eating healthy and making wise food choices when you actually LOOK for them. a co-op, in case you aren't familiar with the term, is basically a community owned grocery store that sells locally grown goods (produce, meat, dairy etc) and organic products. we have found that though some things are a little more expensive, the pricing is a lot more comparable than we thought it would be. it was hard at first, to fork over the big bucks for some beef and a 1/2 gallon of milk, but i got over it. i just had to remind myself that me choosing to do this, IS making a difference. it's supporting local farmers, it's supporting the environment, it's supporting the notion of raising animals in an ethical way, and it's supporting my own body by choosing to fill it with things that are more natural and healthy. if i still haven't convinced you, look at it this way. If you eat whatever you want now, you'll pay the consequences later with your health. If you pay a little more NOW for that carton of eggs or that gallon of milk, you might just live a long, healthy life and nip all those medical bills in the bud.
third, we are going to start buying meat and dairy from a local farm. our friend hope lien told us about a local farm that she buys milk from, and we thought we would give it shot. we haven't purchased through them yet, but we've studied their web site and we're more than excited to start working with them. i think it will be a great experience and it feels good to know you CAN cut out the middle man and do things old school if you want to. it's so great to know that we have options, and we can utilize them if we dig around and find them. i think all too often, i would walk into Rainbow or Cub and not even consider that i had a different option. i believed that there was no other choice. well, it's not true. there are other choices. you can stick it to the man - if you want to.
well, in conclusion, i hope if you actually read all of this you learned something from it. it took me three hours to say what i wanted to say and i feel like i only touched the surface!
i would encourage you to check out these films and web sites for more information.
Documentaries
FOOD INC
FRESH
Food Co-Ops in MPLS
The Wedge
Seward
Linden Hills
Eastside (this is the one i shop at!)
North Country
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
wisdom teeth
Many of you know that I recently had my wisdom teeth "extracted." I went in for a routine surgery on Thursday, Dec. 3. They hooked me up to the funny gas and asleep I went. About an hour later, I awoke to a nurse pulling bloody gauze out of my mouth and helping me into a wheel chair. We wheeled to a room nearby and she helped me lay on a mock bed in the "resting" area. I've heard many funny "post anesthesia" stories. This isn't one of them. I didn't have that kind of experience. I pretty much just woke up, laid there and got my bearings. I heard someone screaming nearby - and then i started laughing. I don't know why that struck me as funny, but in the moment, I found it laughable.
I was then escorted to another room where Mark came to join me. They gave us the rundown, told me what to expect, where to pick up my prescription, the whole works. Should be a piece of cake, I thought. We walked to the car (I totally was able to walk myself) and I didn't even fall asleep on the way home. I was pretty "with it" and I was impressed that I wasn't reacting to the anesthesia more.
We got to Walgreens to pick up my Vicodin and as we were waiting in the parking lot, I suddenly felt very emotional. I started to bawl and Mark took me home. Neither of us knew why I was crying, he just knew I wanted to be at home.
Then - it began.
The WORST experience of my life (so far).
I ate some applesauce because it was all I could fit in my mouth. I wanted to eat enough to fill my stomach so I could begin taking my pain killers. I popped one in and I waited. Soon after, I was sleeping on the couch. A groggy haze came over me and I just needed to close my eyes. When I woke up, it was time to take another pill...so I ate a little bit more and took another. Shortly after, I was in the bathroom throwing up everything I had just ate. This continued, off and on, for the rest of the day. Any time I ate anything, it was only moments before I barfed it up. Sorry to be graphic, but it's true. And this was violent vomiting, if I can say that. I'm pretty sure I could have sprayed someone across the room it was so forceful. It was very sick.
I decided at this point that painkillers just weren't for me, and that I wouldn't be taking anymore. I started taking ibuprofen, crossing my fingers that it would be enough.
Day 2 went well. I could hardly feel the pain. My mom came and brought me lunch and we watched "17 again". Love that Zac Efron. He is my craddle-robber crush (though i think i'm only a year or two older than him). All was good. I was so happy. I couldn't believe how easy this was. I thought I was set.
I went to bed that night and woke up around 2 am. My mouth was throbbing. It was a pain like no other. You know when you haven't flossed in a REALLY long time, and then you get something stuck in your teeth, and you floss the crap out of it until it throbs and hurts? Ok, it was kind of like that, except a million times worse, and it was radiating throughout my entire face and up to my ears. I could hardly stand it. I obviously couldn't sleep through it so I woke up and started icing it. I didn't want to admit it at first, but I knew I was going to have to take another Vicodin, because this just wasn't going to work for me. After much contemplation, I ate a piece of bread, drank a huge glass of water, and popped another pill.
It took a while to kick in, and even when it did, it didn't work with the intensity that I felt it should have. It still hurt, but it was mangageable. I drifted to sleep off and on for the rest of the night.
The next THREE days I dealt with this. I would sleep from like 10 pm to 1 or 2 am and then be up the rest of the day. I was pretty sure I had a dry socket, BUT, because it was the weekend, I was kind of screwed. I called the dental office on Sunday morning because I just couldn't take it anymore. He told me that it was probably too early for me to actually have a dry socket (because it was only day 4) and that I should come in Monday morning and they would take a peek. Not what I wanted to hear. I wanted relief, man! I was so tired and so SICK of it. I had been laying on the same couch for four days now, staring at our fake Christmas tree, watching movies and catching up on episodes of "Glee." I needed a change of scenery if I was going to have to deal with this for one more day. Mark took me up to my parents, and just being there made me feel better. More people to talk to, a prettier Christmas tree to enjoy, a wonderful, loving dog named Chief to love me and cuddle with me. It was good.
There were a few times that night that I just started crying. I couldn't help it. It hurt SO bad I just wanted to knock myself out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. The painkillers + ibuprofen weren't working - and it was making me sick. On top of the pain, I was naseaus. It was terrible.
I woke up at 2:45, ready to be annoyed and "deal" once again. I was especially naseuas. I found that there is nothing good on television between the hours of 2 am and 5 am. There was nobody online to chat with. I had nothing to distract myself, and the time dragged by. My dog was confused why I was awake. I was clearly interrupting his pattern (and i probably took his bed on the couch!)
My mom finally woke up at 5 am and joined me. We got ready and drove down to the oral surgeon in St. Paul. We waited a few minutes, and were escorted into a room. I told them what was happening, they told me i DID have a dry socket and then they explained what they would do. To sum it up, he basically took a tiny piece of medicinal guaze and jammed it deep down into the socket. Imagine stabbing a sore in your mouth over and over. That's what it felt like. I clinched my fingers together as tight as I could. And that was that. 30 seconds later, it was in. It stung for about 5 minutes, and then it was INSTANT relief. I couldn't not believe it! I could not believe how much better it felt. In fact, it didn't even hurt anymore. It was insane.
So now it is Tuesday. I still haven't been able to sleep well because my mouth is pretty sore. It's yellow on my jaw line and will probably turn black and blue. Those teeth must have been in there pretty good. Tomorrow, I go back and they take out the guaze apparently. Not sure what that means, or what that feels like. I'm hoping it won't be too painful.
I have to say, I'm looking forward to eating things and not worrying about stuff getting caught in my teeth. I'm looking foward to opening my mouth big enough to take a big bite of something I like. I'm looking forward to eating something crunchy. I'm looking forward to sleeping through the night. I'm looking forward to not icing my face and constantly taking ibuprofen.
This has been an experience. And I know many of you have probably had similar experiences with your wisdom teeth, but I just wanted to share mine and leave you with this.
If you haven't had yours out, and they AREN'T hurting you, DON'T DO IT. I was talking to my Dad about this the other night, and he had a good point. He doesn't know anyone from his "generation" that had their wisdom teeth out. He never got his out, and he has had no problems. He thinks it's actually just a scam to make money. Ha. I'm starting to wonder if he could be right.
Your dentist might tell you that you NEED to get them out, but you really don't need to do it unless they cause problems for you. My dentist told me I needed to, but my teeth weren't hurting me. They were just sitting there, and had been sitting there for a while. SO, now that I look back, and think of how terrible it all was, I probably wouldn't have done it. Not until I really, actually had to.
So that is my pity party story. A lot of people have been asking how it went, or how I'm feeling and now I've answered all of that without having to open my mouth, which is nice - because it still hurts :)
I was then escorted to another room where Mark came to join me. They gave us the rundown, told me what to expect, where to pick up my prescription, the whole works. Should be a piece of cake, I thought. We walked to the car (I totally was able to walk myself) and I didn't even fall asleep on the way home. I was pretty "with it" and I was impressed that I wasn't reacting to the anesthesia more.
We got to Walgreens to pick up my Vicodin and as we were waiting in the parking lot, I suddenly felt very emotional. I started to bawl and Mark took me home. Neither of us knew why I was crying, he just knew I wanted to be at home.
Then - it began.
The WORST experience of my life (so far).
I ate some applesauce because it was all I could fit in my mouth. I wanted to eat enough to fill my stomach so I could begin taking my pain killers. I popped one in and I waited. Soon after, I was sleeping on the couch. A groggy haze came over me and I just needed to close my eyes. When I woke up, it was time to take another pill...so I ate a little bit more and took another. Shortly after, I was in the bathroom throwing up everything I had just ate. This continued, off and on, for the rest of the day. Any time I ate anything, it was only moments before I barfed it up. Sorry to be graphic, but it's true. And this was violent vomiting, if I can say that. I'm pretty sure I could have sprayed someone across the room it was so forceful. It was very sick.
I decided at this point that painkillers just weren't for me, and that I wouldn't be taking anymore. I started taking ibuprofen, crossing my fingers that it would be enough.
Day 2 went well. I could hardly feel the pain. My mom came and brought me lunch and we watched "17 again". Love that Zac Efron. He is my craddle-robber crush (though i think i'm only a year or two older than him). All was good. I was so happy. I couldn't believe how easy this was. I thought I was set.
I went to bed that night and woke up around 2 am. My mouth was throbbing. It was a pain like no other. You know when you haven't flossed in a REALLY long time, and then you get something stuck in your teeth, and you floss the crap out of it until it throbs and hurts? Ok, it was kind of like that, except a million times worse, and it was radiating throughout my entire face and up to my ears. I could hardly stand it. I obviously couldn't sleep through it so I woke up and started icing it. I didn't want to admit it at first, but I knew I was going to have to take another Vicodin, because this just wasn't going to work for me. After much contemplation, I ate a piece of bread, drank a huge glass of water, and popped another pill.
It took a while to kick in, and even when it did, it didn't work with the intensity that I felt it should have. It still hurt, but it was mangageable. I drifted to sleep off and on for the rest of the night.
The next THREE days I dealt with this. I would sleep from like 10 pm to 1 or 2 am and then be up the rest of the day. I was pretty sure I had a dry socket, BUT, because it was the weekend, I was kind of screwed. I called the dental office on Sunday morning because I just couldn't take it anymore. He told me that it was probably too early for me to actually have a dry socket (because it was only day 4) and that I should come in Monday morning and they would take a peek. Not what I wanted to hear. I wanted relief, man! I was so tired and so SICK of it. I had been laying on the same couch for four days now, staring at our fake Christmas tree, watching movies and catching up on episodes of "Glee." I needed a change of scenery if I was going to have to deal with this for one more day. Mark took me up to my parents, and just being there made me feel better. More people to talk to, a prettier Christmas tree to enjoy, a wonderful, loving dog named Chief to love me and cuddle with me. It was good.
There were a few times that night that I just started crying. I couldn't help it. It hurt SO bad I just wanted to knock myself out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. The painkillers + ibuprofen weren't working - and it was making me sick. On top of the pain, I was naseaus. It was terrible.
I woke up at 2:45, ready to be annoyed and "deal" once again. I was especially naseuas. I found that there is nothing good on television between the hours of 2 am and 5 am. There was nobody online to chat with. I had nothing to distract myself, and the time dragged by. My dog was confused why I was awake. I was clearly interrupting his pattern (and i probably took his bed on the couch!)
My mom finally woke up at 5 am and joined me. We got ready and drove down to the oral surgeon in St. Paul. We waited a few minutes, and were escorted into a room. I told them what was happening, they told me i DID have a dry socket and then they explained what they would do. To sum it up, he basically took a tiny piece of medicinal guaze and jammed it deep down into the socket. Imagine stabbing a sore in your mouth over and over. That's what it felt like. I clinched my fingers together as tight as I could. And that was that. 30 seconds later, it was in. It stung for about 5 minutes, and then it was INSTANT relief. I couldn't not believe it! I could not believe how much better it felt. In fact, it didn't even hurt anymore. It was insane.
So now it is Tuesday. I still haven't been able to sleep well because my mouth is pretty sore. It's yellow on my jaw line and will probably turn black and blue. Those teeth must have been in there pretty good. Tomorrow, I go back and they take out the guaze apparently. Not sure what that means, or what that feels like. I'm hoping it won't be too painful.
I have to say, I'm looking forward to eating things and not worrying about stuff getting caught in my teeth. I'm looking foward to opening my mouth big enough to take a big bite of something I like. I'm looking forward to eating something crunchy. I'm looking forward to sleeping through the night. I'm looking forward to not icing my face and constantly taking ibuprofen.
This has been an experience. And I know many of you have probably had similar experiences with your wisdom teeth, but I just wanted to share mine and leave you with this.
If you haven't had yours out, and they AREN'T hurting you, DON'T DO IT. I was talking to my Dad about this the other night, and he had a good point. He doesn't know anyone from his "generation" that had their wisdom teeth out. He never got his out, and he has had no problems. He thinks it's actually just a scam to make money. Ha. I'm starting to wonder if he could be right.
Your dentist might tell you that you NEED to get them out, but you really don't need to do it unless they cause problems for you. My dentist told me I needed to, but my teeth weren't hurting me. They were just sitting there, and had been sitting there for a while. SO, now that I look back, and think of how terrible it all was, I probably wouldn't have done it. Not until I really, actually had to.
So that is my pity party story. A lot of people have been asking how it went, or how I'm feeling and now I've answered all of that without having to open my mouth, which is nice - because it still hurts :)
Friday, November 20, 2009
not mine, but His
it's been a while. i know. i haven't really been in a place to say anything, up until now. all the things i've been feeling the last few months have been hard to feel. hard to deal with. hard to think about.
i'm in a bible study with some ladies from my church/work, and we are reading the book "crazy love." NEVER, in my whole life, has a book kicked my butt so bad. i have been so challenged, so inspired, so humbled and so determined to make some SERIOUS changes because of this book.
i could go on and on and on about what has challenged me and humbled me, and maybe i will eventually, but i just don't have time to do it all right now.
we were discussing chapter 8 last night, and i could feel my blood boiling. not because of what anyone was saying, but because i have been struggling with accepting the "truths" that have been brought up in this book, especially in this chapter. at one point, Francis Chan (the author) uses Luke 6:32-36. It reads: "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" lend to "sinners," expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
He follows it up by saying, "true faith is loving a person after he hurts you. True love makes you stand out." a few sentences later, he says "God commands that we give without expecting anything in return."
Out loud sigh. If i could even EXPRESS the anguish i've been feeling about all of this lately, i would. I think the best i can do is try. It's been such a battle for me. I think this is partly why. I grew up believing that you must work to get what you want in life. You have to work to pay your bills. You have to work to put food on the table, to clothe yourself, to get from here to there. There was no other way to accomplish any of these things, except to work.
And i'm going to get controversial here, but i've always had an issue with "lending a hand" to those that don't do anything for themselves. I'm sorry, but i said it. I have had a very hard heart, because in my mind, it doesn't make sense to me why i should go in debt to get a college education, and then work 40 hours a week, to give my money away to other people that don't even try. wow. sorry, bare with me. THAT is HONESTLY how i have felt much of my life. So, as i have been reading this book...i have been slapped back and forth. Because everything in this book is against that very thought pattern. And it has frustrated me and made me stay awake at night and made me cry and be upset with God. I've demanded reasoning from Him. "Why God? It doesn't even make sense. Why do i have to work and give my money away...the money that i have earned..."
I have been praying for God to soften my heart. And i have been praying for him to open my eyes. Last night...He did.
I won't go into much detail, but i will say this. God showed me two things. ONE, he doesn't owe me an answer. He demands that i be obedient, and if he tells me to give as he gives, i must do it. I don't get to challenge him on his reasoning, or wonder what the purpose is, i just MUST. SECOND, it's not even MY money. it's His. The only reason i get money is because he has equipped me with an ability to do a job, and he has given me the opportunity to have a job, and to make an "income." so, it's not my money to spend on whatever i see fit. it's ultimately his, and i need to loosen my grip on it and do things with it that would be pleasing to Him.
I can't tell you how crystal clear these two messages have been. I got home last night, looked at my closet, and decided i'm going to get rid of much of what i have and give it to people who actually NEED it. I also had a great discussion with my husband and we both decided that we are going to start being more generous with our money and help people who need it.
mark and i don't spend much money. we save most of it, after bills. we have school debt (lots of it) but that's it. we don't have a lot of toys, or nice things. we have enough to get by, and last night i think we decided that's good enough for both of us. i think growing up in a nice house with nice things, i had this idea in my head that i could never settle for less than that. when i first got married, i was scared of living in an old, icky house with spiders--because i thought that was all we would be able to afford. i was concerned about my comfort and i was upset that i would never make enough money to have nice things.
now i've realized, that might be true. but, you know what. nice things, are only temporary. you don't take them with you. when you die, they all stay right where they are. we all know that's true, but we don't live like that's true. i want to START living like that is true. i want to start living my life in a way that reflects my heart for God and the things that move Him.
i'm humbled. i'm thankful. i'm excited. i'm grateful. i'm feeling JOY again. a joy that i have not felt in a very long time.
i'm in a bible study with some ladies from my church/work, and we are reading the book "crazy love." NEVER, in my whole life, has a book kicked my butt so bad. i have been so challenged, so inspired, so humbled and so determined to make some SERIOUS changes because of this book.
i could go on and on and on about what has challenged me and humbled me, and maybe i will eventually, but i just don't have time to do it all right now.
we were discussing chapter 8 last night, and i could feel my blood boiling. not because of what anyone was saying, but because i have been struggling with accepting the "truths" that have been brought up in this book, especially in this chapter. at one point, Francis Chan (the author) uses Luke 6:32-36. It reads: "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" lend to "sinners," expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
He follows it up by saying, "true faith is loving a person after he hurts you. True love makes you stand out." a few sentences later, he says "God commands that we give without expecting anything in return."
Out loud sigh. If i could even EXPRESS the anguish i've been feeling about all of this lately, i would. I think the best i can do is try. It's been such a battle for me. I think this is partly why. I grew up believing that you must work to get what you want in life. You have to work to pay your bills. You have to work to put food on the table, to clothe yourself, to get from here to there. There was no other way to accomplish any of these things, except to work.
And i'm going to get controversial here, but i've always had an issue with "lending a hand" to those that don't do anything for themselves. I'm sorry, but i said it. I have had a very hard heart, because in my mind, it doesn't make sense to me why i should go in debt to get a college education, and then work 40 hours a week, to give my money away to other people that don't even try. wow. sorry, bare with me. THAT is HONESTLY how i have felt much of my life. So, as i have been reading this book...i have been slapped back and forth. Because everything in this book is against that very thought pattern. And it has frustrated me and made me stay awake at night and made me cry and be upset with God. I've demanded reasoning from Him. "Why God? It doesn't even make sense. Why do i have to work and give my money away...the money that i have earned..."
I have been praying for God to soften my heart. And i have been praying for him to open my eyes. Last night...He did.
I won't go into much detail, but i will say this. God showed me two things. ONE, he doesn't owe me an answer. He demands that i be obedient, and if he tells me to give as he gives, i must do it. I don't get to challenge him on his reasoning, or wonder what the purpose is, i just MUST. SECOND, it's not even MY money. it's His. The only reason i get money is because he has equipped me with an ability to do a job, and he has given me the opportunity to have a job, and to make an "income." so, it's not my money to spend on whatever i see fit. it's ultimately his, and i need to loosen my grip on it and do things with it that would be pleasing to Him.
I can't tell you how crystal clear these two messages have been. I got home last night, looked at my closet, and decided i'm going to get rid of much of what i have and give it to people who actually NEED it. I also had a great discussion with my husband and we both decided that we are going to start being more generous with our money and help people who need it.
mark and i don't spend much money. we save most of it, after bills. we have school debt (lots of it) but that's it. we don't have a lot of toys, or nice things. we have enough to get by, and last night i think we decided that's good enough for both of us. i think growing up in a nice house with nice things, i had this idea in my head that i could never settle for less than that. when i first got married, i was scared of living in an old, icky house with spiders--because i thought that was all we would be able to afford. i was concerned about my comfort and i was upset that i would never make enough money to have nice things.
now i've realized, that might be true. but, you know what. nice things, are only temporary. you don't take them with you. when you die, they all stay right where they are. we all know that's true, but we don't live like that's true. i want to START living like that is true. i want to start living my life in a way that reflects my heart for God and the things that move Him.
i'm humbled. i'm thankful. i'm excited. i'm grateful. i'm feeling JOY again. a joy that i have not felt in a very long time.
Monday, September 21, 2009
TALK
i am an introvert, it's true. but interestingly enough, i have discovered that there are two things that energize me the most. the first thing, is a deep experience with God. this happens mostly in nature. while i'm observing it and enjoying it. there is nothing better than a sunset, a sunrise, the wind, the color of the sky, the way the leaves fall, the green grass beneath my feet, the ripples in the waves. Our God is GOOD and his creation is more beautiful than anything i can ever create or imagine myself. i am so grateful for it. i don't think i would be as passionate a person without it.
the second thing, the interesting thing, that energizes me, is deep conversations with people that i care about. apart from nature and God himself, there is nothing better than coffee and a friend, or even an hour long phone conversation with someone you love. it's weird that this would energize me i've decided...but i don't mind. i enjoy the way i feel after speaking with someone at length.
sometimes the conversations are difficult, hard even...but i always learn and grow from them. sometimes, honesty brings me to new places in a relationship. i've learned that even though honesty can really be painful and sting for a bit, it always feels better to just get it on the table. why live life stewing about things? why be upset, hold on to hard feelings, and waste time on the bitter past? no more. i don't have time for that crap. it's time to blow the gates wide open and clean some house.
i have a few things to clean up. i intend to do it sooner than later. if you're not right with me, expect my knocking on your door. if i knock, it means i care about you and i want our relationship to work. if i've hurt you, i'm sorry. i'm not perfect and i'm trying to be a better friend and person. if you have suggestions for how i can be a better person and a better friend, i'm all ears. i can take constructive criticism, and i actually appreciate it. i am a believer in the fact that you can only change what you are aware of. there might be some things i don't even see that need some improvement. don't be afraid to let me know.
this probably sounds crazy and random and weird, but i'm serious. comfortable jackie doesn't want to be comfortable anymore. God has reminded me, once again, that life is about so much more than being comfortable. it's about being real. facing into things you don't want to. being a better person. living a better life. bringing others to a saving relationship with Christ.
are you with me?
do you want to stop being comfy, stop stuffing things, and start being honest with yourself and with others?
i was talking to a friend tonight who said we all just need to love each other more. She figured the world would be a better place if we did that. i think she's right.
let's do it together. i think it could be good.
the second thing, the interesting thing, that energizes me, is deep conversations with people that i care about. apart from nature and God himself, there is nothing better than coffee and a friend, or even an hour long phone conversation with someone you love. it's weird that this would energize me i've decided...but i don't mind. i enjoy the way i feel after speaking with someone at length.
sometimes the conversations are difficult, hard even...but i always learn and grow from them. sometimes, honesty brings me to new places in a relationship. i've learned that even though honesty can really be painful and sting for a bit, it always feels better to just get it on the table. why live life stewing about things? why be upset, hold on to hard feelings, and waste time on the bitter past? no more. i don't have time for that crap. it's time to blow the gates wide open and clean some house.
i have a few things to clean up. i intend to do it sooner than later. if you're not right with me, expect my knocking on your door. if i knock, it means i care about you and i want our relationship to work. if i've hurt you, i'm sorry. i'm not perfect and i'm trying to be a better friend and person. if you have suggestions for how i can be a better person and a better friend, i'm all ears. i can take constructive criticism, and i actually appreciate it. i am a believer in the fact that you can only change what you are aware of. there might be some things i don't even see that need some improvement. don't be afraid to let me know.
this probably sounds crazy and random and weird, but i'm serious. comfortable jackie doesn't want to be comfortable anymore. God has reminded me, once again, that life is about so much more than being comfortable. it's about being real. facing into things you don't want to. being a better person. living a better life. bringing others to a saving relationship with Christ.
are you with me?
do you want to stop being comfy, stop stuffing things, and start being honest with yourself and with others?
i was talking to a friend tonight who said we all just need to love each other more. She figured the world would be a better place if we did that. i think she's right.
let's do it together. i think it could be good.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
we are safe in our secrets
i think sometimes we believe if we keep things to ourselves, we can't be hurt. if others don't know what we're dealing with, what we're uncertain of, what we're struggling with...we don't have to talk about it. we don't have to deal with being honest, being vulnerable, being real. we can just hide...and find safety in our secrets.
or at least we think it's safety. we don't realize until we find ourselves in tears at the end of the road that we really aren't safe at all. we are drowning, neck deep in secrets. neck deep in hurt. neck deep in confusion, wishing someone could throw us a rope.
but nobody knows we need help. nobody knows our secrets. nobody is there, because we've pushed them away or kept them at arm's length. and then what?
we hit a breaking point. we cry out "help me! this is ME, being real. i am not who you think. i am not ok. i need help. i need an ear to listen. i need a hug to warm me. i need a friend. please."
we admit that we need others in our lives. we admit that we can't do life alone. it scares us because we're not use to pulling others into our world. that is a door we've never let anyone else walk through. it leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain...we wonder what these people will think...what they will say...what they will do.
but then we remember that at least...we're not alone.
at least someone now knows our secrets, and there is security in accountability.
***
i've learned recently that i need to do a better job at letting people into my life and allowing myself to be loved. it's hard for me to trust people, but i'm getting better. i think God has brought some really amazing people into my life that he is going to use to break my shell. i think it could be good. i think he is going to begin to heal my heart and show me what it means to truly live.
or at least we think it's safety. we don't realize until we find ourselves in tears at the end of the road that we really aren't safe at all. we are drowning, neck deep in secrets. neck deep in hurt. neck deep in confusion, wishing someone could throw us a rope.
but nobody knows we need help. nobody knows our secrets. nobody is there, because we've pushed them away or kept them at arm's length. and then what?
we hit a breaking point. we cry out "help me! this is ME, being real. i am not who you think. i am not ok. i need help. i need an ear to listen. i need a hug to warm me. i need a friend. please."
we admit that we need others in our lives. we admit that we can't do life alone. it scares us because we're not use to pulling others into our world. that is a door we've never let anyone else walk through. it leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain...we wonder what these people will think...what they will say...what they will do.
but then we remember that at least...we're not alone.
at least someone now knows our secrets, and there is security in accountability.
***
i've learned recently that i need to do a better job at letting people into my life and allowing myself to be loved. it's hard for me to trust people, but i'm getting better. i think God has brought some really amazing people into my life that he is going to use to break my shell. i think it could be good. i think he is going to begin to heal my heart and show me what it means to truly live.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
old musings
Friday, November 09, 2007
 | |
i once had this vision, of something i wanted to do.
i can still see it, but it's off in the distance now. sometimes i think i can just reach out and grab it, but then God reminds me why i am where i am today. he still needs to teach me things. he needs me to be where i am, doing what i'm doing, so i can be prepared for the future he has in store. i didn't believe it at first, but lately, it seems to make sense.
this is for my friends, who want to light the fire...
we are a plagued people. we have dirtied and distorted everything God has given us. we can barely see the beauty in anything anymore. we have to peel back several layers to find anything authentic. we are insecure and discontent. we need more, want more and wish we were anything but ourselves. the gift of life has become a curse and a burden. we don't appreciate anything. we dwell and can't wait for 'whatever it is' to be over. many of us live everyday as part of pattern. rhythm is comfortable, and all that is known. we accept what our traditions have brought us, and play our part, one generation at a time. we look around and we know that the times have changed. everything is getting worse, but that's just the natural progression. 'nothing can be done' we say. so we continue to accept our current circumstances. we wait for someone else to change things, or we convince ourselves that Jesus is coming back soon.
well...
he's not here yet. and though he is indeed coming, the time isn't today. he wants us to make good use of our time here. he wants us to do what we can to bring people to him. he wants us to stop waiting, and start living. he did not create us to sit back and remain indifferent. he also did not create sin, but it happened. and it's a powerful force in our world today. though we are sinners, we also have the power and the strength of a mighty God to help us overcome whatever we come up against.
so we must be brave enough to face the harsh realities before us. we must fill our minds with truth and ask God for the strength to carry on. we must educate those that need to hear truth. we need to bring forth change.
we need to be willing to let God lead. it's scary to let go, but it's neccessary to see God really work. it's a beautiful thing when we trust him. i believe he smiles and takes our hand. imagine what he could do through each and every one of us if we just asked him to work?
why sit back and wonder?
ask him.
and be silent.
listen to what he's laying upon your heart.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
independence
it's july 4 today, and i believe a "Happy Independence Day" is in order.
this isn't a history lesson, but can you believe that our country has only been free for 233 years? that doesn't seem like THAT long ago.
i mostly wanted to write on the subject to express my thanks and gratitude for the freedom we get to experience in our country. i don't want to ruffle any feathers, but i think all too often, we as a society can get too wrapped up in things going on around us, and forget just how lucky we are.
we argue and fight about policies, about war, about political candidates and our health care system--which sure, are all valid things to have an opinion about--but i think sometimes we focus so much on these things, we allow ourselves to get disappointed in the country that has also given us so much freedom and opportunity to enjoy life and make something of it.
i use to say to people, "if you're really so unhappy here and hate the way everything is done, why don't you just leave? why not go to the middle east, central america, or asia? do you really think it would be better there?"
people all over the world are living in poverty that we can't comprehend. i know that we have poverty in our own country too, but it doesn't touch the surface of what exists beyond the US. and our government that we hate and complain about so often...? i can guarantee you that if you were living under a dictatorship, forced to live in a communistic society, you wouldn't be thinking our democratic style of doing things is so bad. think about the women in the middle east that virtually have no freedom. the christians all over the world that are tortured and killed because they want to believe in God. the sick and hurting that have no chance because everyone around them IS sick, and hurting, and that's how their government, or lack of a government wants it.
compared to the rest of the world, we have it pretty good. NO, things aren't perfect. there is a lot of stuff going on here that could bring tears to our eyes, and it does. it's not right, and it's not fair. i personally think we've taken our freedom to far, filling our lives with so many things that are not important, only distracting us from the the things that really matter in life. but that's another topic.
but, all in all, i'm grateful and happy that i live here, in the united states of america.
i have the freedom to worship a God that I love. i have the opportunity to develop a skill set that God has given me, and work. i have the privilege of an income, that can not only pay my bills, but bless others as well. i can wear what i want, live as i want and believe what i want. there are actually, very few things that i cannot do. it's really a matter of doing my best to choose the right things to do and live by, and using caution with the rest.
so, with that being said. enjoy today. enjoy the fact that you CAN enjoy today. enjoy your family, your friends, your freedom.
we are blessed.
this isn't a history lesson, but can you believe that our country has only been free for 233 years? that doesn't seem like THAT long ago.
i mostly wanted to write on the subject to express my thanks and gratitude for the freedom we get to experience in our country. i don't want to ruffle any feathers, but i think all too often, we as a society can get too wrapped up in things going on around us, and forget just how lucky we are.
we argue and fight about policies, about war, about political candidates and our health care system--which sure, are all valid things to have an opinion about--but i think sometimes we focus so much on these things, we allow ourselves to get disappointed in the country that has also given us so much freedom and opportunity to enjoy life and make something of it.
i use to say to people, "if you're really so unhappy here and hate the way everything is done, why don't you just leave? why not go to the middle east, central america, or asia? do you really think it would be better there?"
people all over the world are living in poverty that we can't comprehend. i know that we have poverty in our own country too, but it doesn't touch the surface of what exists beyond the US. and our government that we hate and complain about so often...? i can guarantee you that if you were living under a dictatorship, forced to live in a communistic society, you wouldn't be thinking our democratic style of doing things is so bad. think about the women in the middle east that virtually have no freedom. the christians all over the world that are tortured and killed because they want to believe in God. the sick and hurting that have no chance because everyone around them IS sick, and hurting, and that's how their government, or lack of a government wants it.
compared to the rest of the world, we have it pretty good. NO, things aren't perfect. there is a lot of stuff going on here that could bring tears to our eyes, and it does. it's not right, and it's not fair. i personally think we've taken our freedom to far, filling our lives with so many things that are not important, only distracting us from the the things that really matter in life. but that's another topic.
but, all in all, i'm grateful and happy that i live here, in the united states of america.
i have the freedom to worship a God that I love. i have the opportunity to develop a skill set that God has given me, and work. i have the privilege of an income, that can not only pay my bills, but bless others as well. i can wear what i want, live as i want and believe what i want. there are actually, very few things that i cannot do. it's really a matter of doing my best to choose the right things to do and live by, and using caution with the rest.
so, with that being said. enjoy today. enjoy the fact that you CAN enjoy today. enjoy your family, your friends, your freedom.
we are blessed.
Friday, June 26, 2009
where is batman when you need him
mark and i awoke this morning to a knock on our door. at 3:30 am. i wasn't sure if i was dreaming or not, so i asked him if it was really a knock, and he confirmed my suspicion. he gets us, and creeps toward the door. me, having seen way too many horror movies, tells him not to look through the peep hole. you could lose an eye!
my mind starts racing about who could possibly be knocking on our door at 3:30 in the morning. i remember that my mom has been home alone for the past 8 days (my dad and brother are up in alaska). i think to check my phone. one missed call. from mom's cell. at 3:20 am. a light bulb turns on. i whisper to mark, i think it's my mom. she called me just a few minutes ago.
the tension begins to lift, as mark opens the door, and my little mom stares back at us. "there was another bat in the house." WHAT?! i had just rallied up some of zac's friends to go over there on wednesday and kill a different bat that had shown his ugly face. "another bat? are you serious?"
she goes on to tell us that she woke up at 2 am to the sound of fluttering wings. when she opened her eyes, she could see it, flying around her head in circles around the room. she threw the covers over her head and mummified herself within the blankets, trying to figure out what to do. she couldn't believe there was another one. she had just gotten over the fact that there was one in the first place, and felt relieved that it must have been a freak, one-time thing. but no, another one showing up had confirmed her greatest fear: they had a bat problem.
but where were they getting in? and how? that's what she couldn't figure out. they've never had a bat problem, a rodent problem, or really even a bug problem. this seemed so bizarre.
oh, and apparently cats are good for nothing, because they didn't smell or find them throughout all of this. i secretly hope they get bit and get rabies. i wouldn't care. may sound harsh, but honestly...they have no real purpose. annie just molests people with her ear licking, and sadie just begs for treats. other than that, they stink up the basement with their litter box, and try to get outside. that's all they do, all day long. i don't see the point.
chief on the other hand...if he gets rabies...that will be a different story. i will not be happy about that. he is just a big blob though. i'm sure he would not frighten or intimidate the bat and give it any reason to bit him. let's cross our fingers.
so anyway. i'm tired today, and thought it was a funny story. if you enjoyed hearing it, well good. if not, thanks anyway.
maybe your friday be a wonderful one. and listen to some MJ for me. only a few more hours in the office...
peace.
my mind starts racing about who could possibly be knocking on our door at 3:30 in the morning. i remember that my mom has been home alone for the past 8 days (my dad and brother are up in alaska). i think to check my phone. one missed call. from mom's cell. at 3:20 am. a light bulb turns on. i whisper to mark, i think it's my mom. she called me just a few minutes ago.
the tension begins to lift, as mark opens the door, and my little mom stares back at us. "there was another bat in the house." WHAT?! i had just rallied up some of zac's friends to go over there on wednesday and kill a different bat that had shown his ugly face. "another bat? are you serious?"
she goes on to tell us that she woke up at 2 am to the sound of fluttering wings. when she opened her eyes, she could see it, flying around her head in circles around the room. she threw the covers over her head and mummified herself within the blankets, trying to figure out what to do. she couldn't believe there was another one. she had just gotten over the fact that there was one in the first place, and felt relieved that it must have been a freak, one-time thing. but no, another one showing up had confirmed her greatest fear: they had a bat problem.
but where were they getting in? and how? that's what she couldn't figure out. they've never had a bat problem, a rodent problem, or really even a bug problem. this seemed so bizarre.
oh, and apparently cats are good for nothing, because they didn't smell or find them throughout all of this. i secretly hope they get bit and get rabies. i wouldn't care. may sound harsh, but honestly...they have no real purpose. annie just molests people with her ear licking, and sadie just begs for treats. other than that, they stink up the basement with their litter box, and try to get outside. that's all they do, all day long. i don't see the point.
chief on the other hand...if he gets rabies...that will be a different story. i will not be happy about that. he is just a big blob though. i'm sure he would not frighten or intimidate the bat and give it any reason to bit him. let's cross our fingers.
so anyway. i'm tired today, and thought it was a funny story. if you enjoyed hearing it, well good. if not, thanks anyway.
maybe your friday be a wonderful one. and listen to some MJ for me. only a few more hours in the office...
peace.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
flesh
a good communicator must be able to put themselves in the shoes of the one they hope to connect with. they must be able to step outside the box of what they know, and see how things are perceived from a different perspective. they also must be willing to put all biases aside and absorb a variety of opinions. more than anything, they must know who they are catering their message to, and what really gets that 'person' going. WHAT will reach them at a heart level? what will make them take your words seriously and dwell on them? and what will make your message stand out from the rest?
it's a big task to get someone's attention this day and age.
i find myself competing with anything and everything.
yet, i find energy and excitement in knowing that God is in all i do. and that ultimately, it's his message i strive to deliver.
or at least i try to make sure it is.
i invite him to take part. to lead, to show me the way.
his words are greater than mine. his message much stronger.
i'm just a tool, a vehicle...flesh.
it's a big task to get someone's attention this day and age.
i find myself competing with anything and everything.
yet, i find energy and excitement in knowing that God is in all i do. and that ultimately, it's his message i strive to deliver.
or at least i try to make sure it is.
i invite him to take part. to lead, to show me the way.
his words are greater than mine. his message much stronger.
i'm just a tool, a vehicle...flesh.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
a heart thing
i'm currently reading a book called "left to tell" which is a true story from a woman that survived the Rwandan holocaust. it's unbelievable. i've never read anything like it. through all of the devastation she comes up against in this story, she never loses her faith...in fact, it's all she has left.
her entire family has been taken from her, and she is in hiding. her, and seven other women, are crammed in a bathroom 3 ft wide by 4 ft long. they have been hiding here for nearly two months. they have lost a considerable amount of weight, they stink, they have body lice, they are weak and they are starving. she goes on to tell about her days in this bathroom. the women take turns stretching ever 12 hours or so, because to move or stretch without everyone's coordination would mean an elbow in a face, or a knee in a rib. in the mean time, between stretch breaks and sleeping, she prays. 15-20 hours a day she prays. she prays for her safety. she prays that she would endure this. she prays for her family. she prays for forgiveness. and she even prays that god would forgive the killers that are hunting her. during certain moments when she fears they are about to be discovered, she begins to pray that god would not let them be found. she prays until beads of sweat are running down her forehead. until someone startles her and lets her know the threat has passed. she hears satan's voice constantly telling her that she deserves to die. that she will be found, raped, murdered. she prays that god would take the thoughts away, the lies. she prays in god's name, and she gives her life totally and completely up to him.
it's incomprehensible for me to think about this situation. it's also incomprehensible for me to think about praying for 15-20 hours a day. i can barely manage a prayer once a day, and she is spending the majority of each day in prayer. i can't imagine what that would do to your life. how it would change you, define you, inspire you. i am put to shame when i think about how lucky i am. how free i am. how choosy i am. i make time for god when it's convenient for me. sometimes i wish he was all i had so i could rediscover him in a new way.
as i've been reading this book i've experienced a bit of a heart change. i can't ever know the intense love that god has for his children, but i think i got a glimpse of it today. for no apparent reason, when leaving the grocery store, i met eyes with the guy pushing the carts back into the store. he was middle-aged, which seemed unusual. and i wondered what his story was. i am too guilty of making judgments and being hard on people. i dismiss people too easily as weird, creepy, gross. i don't look past outward appearances. but today i didn't see anything but this man's heart. i continued to watch him and i felt a wave of emotion come over me for this person. this cart guy. it was like god was showing me, 'jackie. this is how i feel about him. this is how i feel about you. this is how i feel about people...all the time. i love them so much.' i just sat there and held on to that feeling. i wanted it to stick. i wanted to return home and feel it. to take it with me to work tomorrow, into my interactions with people. i wanted to live it, breathe it and let it sink into the depths of me.
i hope i get there one day. i know i will never be able to comprehend the hugeness of the LOVE of God, but i do believe that he will give me new eyes. and new perspectives.
we've been created in his image, and he loves us ever so much. i want to love him more. i pray that i will.
her entire family has been taken from her, and she is in hiding. her, and seven other women, are crammed in a bathroom 3 ft wide by 4 ft long. they have been hiding here for nearly two months. they have lost a considerable amount of weight, they stink, they have body lice, they are weak and they are starving. she goes on to tell about her days in this bathroom. the women take turns stretching ever 12 hours or so, because to move or stretch without everyone's coordination would mean an elbow in a face, or a knee in a rib. in the mean time, between stretch breaks and sleeping, she prays. 15-20 hours a day she prays. she prays for her safety. she prays that she would endure this. she prays for her family. she prays for forgiveness. and she even prays that god would forgive the killers that are hunting her. during certain moments when she fears they are about to be discovered, she begins to pray that god would not let them be found. she prays until beads of sweat are running down her forehead. until someone startles her and lets her know the threat has passed. she hears satan's voice constantly telling her that she deserves to die. that she will be found, raped, murdered. she prays that god would take the thoughts away, the lies. she prays in god's name, and she gives her life totally and completely up to him.
it's incomprehensible for me to think about this situation. it's also incomprehensible for me to think about praying for 15-20 hours a day. i can barely manage a prayer once a day, and she is spending the majority of each day in prayer. i can't imagine what that would do to your life. how it would change you, define you, inspire you. i am put to shame when i think about how lucky i am. how free i am. how choosy i am. i make time for god when it's convenient for me. sometimes i wish he was all i had so i could rediscover him in a new way.
as i've been reading this book i've experienced a bit of a heart change. i can't ever know the intense love that god has for his children, but i think i got a glimpse of it today. for no apparent reason, when leaving the grocery store, i met eyes with the guy pushing the carts back into the store. he was middle-aged, which seemed unusual. and i wondered what his story was. i am too guilty of making judgments and being hard on people. i dismiss people too easily as weird, creepy, gross. i don't look past outward appearances. but today i didn't see anything but this man's heart. i continued to watch him and i felt a wave of emotion come over me for this person. this cart guy. it was like god was showing me, 'jackie. this is how i feel about him. this is how i feel about you. this is how i feel about people...all the time. i love them so much.' i just sat there and held on to that feeling. i wanted it to stick. i wanted to return home and feel it. to take it with me to work tomorrow, into my interactions with people. i wanted to live it, breathe it and let it sink into the depths of me.
i hope i get there one day. i know i will never be able to comprehend the hugeness of the LOVE of God, but i do believe that he will give me new eyes. and new perspectives.
we've been created in his image, and he loves us ever so much. i want to love him more. i pray that i will.
Friday, June 12, 2009
listen
yesterday was a big word day. i'm pretty certain i used up all the words in my maximum amount alloted for one day. between the several stories and emails i had to write up, i was done. fried. when i arrived home, i treated myself to a glass of red wine, shaved my legs, and flipped the switch to "off" for just a short while. it was great.
i did however end up reading the first thought from God is No Fool. It was focused on the art of listening. how God is right there. he's knocking at our door, he wants to come in...and we are, doing everything other than what we should be doing. we're asking what door he's at. we're picking up the house. we're wondering what he'll think about our home and the life we're currently living. we're being prideful that he would choose to come in to our house. we're talking over and around the insistent knocking. the knocking suddenly becomes drowned out from the chatter, the noise, the distraction. then he catches our attention. we quiet ourselves down just long enough to hear that still, small voice. but what is it saying to us? that, we cannot make out. we remain quiet. the knocking gets more quiet as well. all we hear is his voice saying, "listen."
a shiver ran across me, and i sat in the silence of my bedroom, and listened. i felt if anything, that was what i was being asked to do. i think God knows me quite well. he knows that i don't do a good job at listening. i enjoy listening to other people, but to him, not as much. i have more control in situations where others are speaking to me...but with him...i have no control over what he will say to me, what truth he will bring to the forefront, or what he will ask me to do.
i listened.
the quiet was uncomfortable. ever since my freshman year of college, i have not embraced the quiet like i once did. it's a definite shock to the system when you go from living in your parent's home in the middle of nowhere with your own bedroom, to living in a dormitory, with girls you wouldn't neccessarily choose to live with, be friends with, or share bathrooms with. the noise was constant. i would steal away to coffee shops, to the lakeside, to my car...anything to get away from the noise. eventually, it swallowed me. i became so comfortable with it, that when i was met by the quiet, i was scrambling for noise! even static noise. anything, but the quiet.
during this time in my life, i felt far from God. i was not giving him the time that i once did in the quiet of my own bedroom. instead, i was watching late night tv with roommates, getting up at 4 am to make coffee for cheap tippers, and investing all of my time and energy into school.
yes, i went to a christian college, but i can honestly say that i felt the farthest from God while i was there, than at any other point in my life. when i am forced to be religious, the desire is not there. when i am forced to read the bible, the desire is not there. when i am forced to go to chapel, the desire is NOT there. when i am forced to be 'happy' and 'all smiles' i become fake. those feelings were much of what i felt while at college, and they left a bad taste in my mouth. i don't mean to discredit the wonderful experiences that many people have had there, but mine, was a flurry of mixed emotions. when i left that place, it took a good year to climb out of those old habits and feelings...to find myself again...and to move on to the next phase in my life.
i am still trying to get comfortable with the quiet. most days when i arrive home from work, i feel the temptation to go and turn the tv on. to fill my life and my apartment with noise. i'm not ready for the quiet. i don't want to think. and i'm not going to lie. that's exactly what i do most days. every once in a while though, i will let myself just be. i will take whatever thoughts float in and capture them. i'll bat them back and forth, twist them and turn them, and send them on their way.
and i will listen.
i could go on and on, but i should stop myself here. i'll save it for another day. thanks for reading, if you made it this far. i have the greatest urge right now to sign off with some kind of quirky marketing line, but i will resist. that is for work. not for this blog.
enjoy your weekend.
i did however end up reading the first thought from God is No Fool. It was focused on the art of listening. how God is right there. he's knocking at our door, he wants to come in...and we are, doing everything other than what we should be doing. we're asking what door he's at. we're picking up the house. we're wondering what he'll think about our home and the life we're currently living. we're being prideful that he would choose to come in to our house. we're talking over and around the insistent knocking. the knocking suddenly becomes drowned out from the chatter, the noise, the distraction. then he catches our attention. we quiet ourselves down just long enough to hear that still, small voice. but what is it saying to us? that, we cannot make out. we remain quiet. the knocking gets more quiet as well. all we hear is his voice saying, "listen."
a shiver ran across me, and i sat in the silence of my bedroom, and listened. i felt if anything, that was what i was being asked to do. i think God knows me quite well. he knows that i don't do a good job at listening. i enjoy listening to other people, but to him, not as much. i have more control in situations where others are speaking to me...but with him...i have no control over what he will say to me, what truth he will bring to the forefront, or what he will ask me to do.
i listened.
the quiet was uncomfortable. ever since my freshman year of college, i have not embraced the quiet like i once did. it's a definite shock to the system when you go from living in your parent's home in the middle of nowhere with your own bedroom, to living in a dormitory, with girls you wouldn't neccessarily choose to live with, be friends with, or share bathrooms with. the noise was constant. i would steal away to coffee shops, to the lakeside, to my car...anything to get away from the noise. eventually, it swallowed me. i became so comfortable with it, that when i was met by the quiet, i was scrambling for noise! even static noise. anything, but the quiet.
during this time in my life, i felt far from God. i was not giving him the time that i once did in the quiet of my own bedroom. instead, i was watching late night tv with roommates, getting up at 4 am to make coffee for cheap tippers, and investing all of my time and energy into school.
yes, i went to a christian college, but i can honestly say that i felt the farthest from God while i was there, than at any other point in my life. when i am forced to be religious, the desire is not there. when i am forced to read the bible, the desire is not there. when i am forced to go to chapel, the desire is NOT there. when i am forced to be 'happy' and 'all smiles' i become fake. those feelings were much of what i felt while at college, and they left a bad taste in my mouth. i don't mean to discredit the wonderful experiences that many people have had there, but mine, was a flurry of mixed emotions. when i left that place, it took a good year to climb out of those old habits and feelings...to find myself again...and to move on to the next phase in my life.
i am still trying to get comfortable with the quiet. most days when i arrive home from work, i feel the temptation to go and turn the tv on. to fill my life and my apartment with noise. i'm not ready for the quiet. i don't want to think. and i'm not going to lie. that's exactly what i do most days. every once in a while though, i will let myself just be. i will take whatever thoughts float in and capture them. i'll bat them back and forth, twist them and turn them, and send them on their way.
and i will listen.
i could go on and on, but i should stop myself here. i'll save it for another day. thanks for reading, if you made it this far. i have the greatest urge right now to sign off with some kind of quirky marketing line, but i will resist. that is for work. not for this blog.
enjoy your weekend.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
god is no fool
When i graduated from northwestern in the spring of 07, my journalism professor found me afterward and handed me a gift. it was wrapped up, but i could tell it was probably a book. i wondered what it was, thinking it probably had something to do with writing since that was in fact, our common bond.
when i opened it later, i saw that it was a book by Lois A. Cheney called God is No Fool. It looked old school, and since I often DO judge books by their cover (i'm partial to things that look pretty), I wasn't sure it was something i cared to look at. So I didn't.
I've been reading lots of fiction lately, and it's been great to just engulf myself in a story and be somewhere else. I've found myself falling in love with these characters i'm reading about. i'm going through everything with them, and hanging on to every last word. i guess you could say i really get into it, but i don't believe you can truly enjoy a story unless you do just that.
i finished my last book called The Orchard a few days ago, and i was scrambling around the house looking to see what i could read next. i wasn't in the mood for a trip to the library, so i walked over to the bookcase in my room where i had shelved tons of books from college that i hadn't 'read' yet, but had every intention of doing so. there it was staring back at me...God is No Fool. "Well, that's true," I thought. I opened it up and found a scribbled note my professor had left for me on the inside cover.
I'm looking forward to seeing what God does with your life. Aim high, Jackie--you've got what it takes. Keep writing.
I closed it slowly and held it close. I felt a warm feeling come over me, and my heart felt good. After that, I decided to keep this with me so everytime i feel like my stories suck, or i have writer's block, i can look back at it and remember that he believes i can do it. Sometimes that is all we really need. someone to believe in us. to give us that extra boost of confidence that we need to get the job done. i think we can lie to ourselves too easily and let satan convince us that our time and talent is being wasted. that we don't have anything signficant to offer to anyone. that we're not good at anything. but don't let him beat you up with those thoughts.
i know i have to decide each and every day that what God has gifted me to do is a true blessing, and for me to not use that gift would be a shame. he's put all of us here for a reason. he's given us strenghths and talents to use for his good work. we may never know how our 'work' has affected another, but that i believe is the beauty in it. we touch lives all the time without knowing it. and if we're being genuine about our offerings and looking to God to bless them, he will. and he will use them to reach this world and the people around us.
i plan to start reading God is No Fool tonight, and hopefully i will get the chance to blog about my first chapter. stay tuned.
jacquelyn
when i opened it later, i saw that it was a book by Lois A. Cheney called God is No Fool. It looked old school, and since I often DO judge books by their cover (i'm partial to things that look pretty), I wasn't sure it was something i cared to look at. So I didn't.
I've been reading lots of fiction lately, and it's been great to just engulf myself in a story and be somewhere else. I've found myself falling in love with these characters i'm reading about. i'm going through everything with them, and hanging on to every last word. i guess you could say i really get into it, but i don't believe you can truly enjoy a story unless you do just that.
i finished my last book called The Orchard a few days ago, and i was scrambling around the house looking to see what i could read next. i wasn't in the mood for a trip to the library, so i walked over to the bookcase in my room where i had shelved tons of books from college that i hadn't 'read' yet, but had every intention of doing so. there it was staring back at me...God is No Fool. "Well, that's true," I thought. I opened it up and found a scribbled note my professor had left for me on the inside cover.
I'm looking forward to seeing what God does with your life. Aim high, Jackie--you've got what it takes. Keep writing.
I closed it slowly and held it close. I felt a warm feeling come over me, and my heart felt good. After that, I decided to keep this with me so everytime i feel like my stories suck, or i have writer's block, i can look back at it and remember that he believes i can do it. Sometimes that is all we really need. someone to believe in us. to give us that extra boost of confidence that we need to get the job done. i think we can lie to ourselves too easily and let satan convince us that our time and talent is being wasted. that we don't have anything signficant to offer to anyone. that we're not good at anything. but don't let him beat you up with those thoughts.
i know i have to decide each and every day that what God has gifted me to do is a true blessing, and for me to not use that gift would be a shame. he's put all of us here for a reason. he's given us strenghths and talents to use for his good work. we may never know how our 'work' has affected another, but that i believe is the beauty in it. we touch lives all the time without knowing it. and if we're being genuine about our offerings and looking to God to bless them, he will. and he will use them to reach this world and the people around us.
i plan to start reading God is No Fool tonight, and hopefully i will get the chance to blog about my first chapter. stay tuned.
jacquelyn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
