TALK

i am an introvert, it's true. but interestingly enough, i have discovered that there are two things that energize me the most. the first thing, is a deep experience with God. this happens mostly in nature. while i'm observing it and enjoying it. there is nothing better than a sunset, a sunrise, the wind, the color of the sky, the way the leaves fall, the green grass beneath my feet, the ripples in the waves. Our God is GOOD and his creation is more beautiful than anything i can ever create or imagine myself. i am so grateful for it. i don't think i would be as passionate a person without it.

the second thing, the interesting thing, that energizes me, is deep conversations with people that i care about. apart from nature and God himself, there is nothing better than coffee and a friend, or even an hour long phone conversation with someone you love. it's weird that this would energize me i've decided...but i don't mind. i enjoy the way i feel after speaking with someone at length.

sometimes the conversations are difficult, hard even...but i always learn and grow from them. sometimes, honesty brings me to new places in a relationship. i've learned that even though honesty can really be painful and sting for a bit, it always feels better to just get it on the table. why live life stewing about things? why be upset, hold on to hard feelings, and waste time on the bitter past? no more. i don't have time for that crap. it's time to blow the gates wide open and clean some house.

i have a few things to clean up. i intend to do it sooner than later. if you're not right with me, expect my knocking on your door. if i knock, it means i care about you and i want our relationship to work. if i've hurt you, i'm sorry. i'm not perfect and i'm trying to be a better friend and person. if you have suggestions for how i can be a better person and a better friend, i'm all ears. i can take constructive criticism, and i actually appreciate it. i am a believer in the fact that you can only change what you are aware of. there might be some things i don't even see that need some improvement. don't be afraid to let me know.

this probably sounds crazy and random and weird, but i'm serious. comfortable jackie doesn't want to be comfortable anymore. God has reminded me, once again, that life is about so much more than being comfortable. it's about being real. facing into things you don't want to. being a better person. living a better life. bringing others to a saving relationship with Christ.

are you with me?
do you want to stop being comfy, stop stuffing things, and start being honest with yourself and with others?

i was talking to a friend tonight who said we all just need to love each other more. She figured the world would be a better place if we did that. i think she's right.

let's do it together. i think it could be good.

we are safe in our secrets

i think sometimes we believe if we keep things to ourselves, we can't be hurt. if others don't know what we're dealing with, what we're uncertain of, what we're struggling with...we don't have to talk about it. we don't have to deal with being honest, being vulnerable, being real. we can just hide...and find safety in our secrets.

or at least we think it's safety. we don't realize until we find ourselves in tears at the end of the road that we really aren't safe at all. we are drowning, neck deep in secrets. neck deep in hurt. neck deep in confusion, wishing someone could throw us a rope.

but nobody knows we need help. nobody knows our secrets. nobody is there, because we've pushed them away or kept them at arm's length. and then what?

we hit a breaking point. we cry out "help me! this is ME, being real. i am not who you think. i am not ok. i need help. i need an ear to listen. i need a hug to warm me. i need a friend. please."

we admit that we need others in our lives. we admit that we can't do life alone. it scares us because we're not use to pulling others into our world. that is a door we've never let anyone else walk through. it leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain...we wonder what these people will think...what they will say...what they will do.

but then we remember that at least...we're not alone.
at least someone now knows our secrets, and there is security in accountability.

***

i've learned recently that i need to do a better job at letting people into my life and allowing myself to be loved. it's hard for me to trust people, but i'm getting better. i think God has brought some really amazing people into my life that he is going to use to break my shell. i think it could be good. i think he is going to begin to heal my heart and show me what it means to truly live.