TALK

i am an introvert, it's true. but interestingly enough, i have discovered that there are two things that energize me the most. the first thing, is a deep experience with God. this happens mostly in nature. while i'm observing it and enjoying it. there is nothing better than a sunset, a sunrise, the wind, the color of the sky, the way the leaves fall, the green grass beneath my feet, the ripples in the waves. Our God is GOOD and his creation is more beautiful than anything i can ever create or imagine myself. i am so grateful for it. i don't think i would be as passionate a person without it.

the second thing, the interesting thing, that energizes me, is deep conversations with people that i care about. apart from nature and God himself, there is nothing better than coffee and a friend, or even an hour long phone conversation with someone you love. it's weird that this would energize me i've decided...but i don't mind. i enjoy the way i feel after speaking with someone at length.

sometimes the conversations are difficult, hard even...but i always learn and grow from them. sometimes, honesty brings me to new places in a relationship. i've learned that even though honesty can really be painful and sting for a bit, it always feels better to just get it on the table. why live life stewing about things? why be upset, hold on to hard feelings, and waste time on the bitter past? no more. i don't have time for that crap. it's time to blow the gates wide open and clean some house.

i have a few things to clean up. i intend to do it sooner than later. if you're not right with me, expect my knocking on your door. if i knock, it means i care about you and i want our relationship to work. if i've hurt you, i'm sorry. i'm not perfect and i'm trying to be a better friend and person. if you have suggestions for how i can be a better person and a better friend, i'm all ears. i can take constructive criticism, and i actually appreciate it. i am a believer in the fact that you can only change what you are aware of. there might be some things i don't even see that need some improvement. don't be afraid to let me know.

this probably sounds crazy and random and weird, but i'm serious. comfortable jackie doesn't want to be comfortable anymore. God has reminded me, once again, that life is about so much more than being comfortable. it's about being real. facing into things you don't want to. being a better person. living a better life. bringing others to a saving relationship with Christ.

are you with me?
do you want to stop being comfy, stop stuffing things, and start being honest with yourself and with others?

i was talking to a friend tonight who said we all just need to love each other more. She figured the world would be a better place if we did that. i think she's right.

let's do it together. i think it could be good.

we are safe in our secrets

i think sometimes we believe if we keep things to ourselves, we can't be hurt. if others don't know what we're dealing with, what we're uncertain of, what we're struggling with...we don't have to talk about it. we don't have to deal with being honest, being vulnerable, being real. we can just hide...and find safety in our secrets.

or at least we think it's safety. we don't realize until we find ourselves in tears at the end of the road that we really aren't safe at all. we are drowning, neck deep in secrets. neck deep in hurt. neck deep in confusion, wishing someone could throw us a rope.

but nobody knows we need help. nobody knows our secrets. nobody is there, because we've pushed them away or kept them at arm's length. and then what?

we hit a breaking point. we cry out "help me! this is ME, being real. i am not who you think. i am not ok. i need help. i need an ear to listen. i need a hug to warm me. i need a friend. please."

we admit that we need others in our lives. we admit that we can't do life alone. it scares us because we're not use to pulling others into our world. that is a door we've never let anyone else walk through. it leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain...we wonder what these people will think...what they will say...what they will do.

but then we remember that at least...we're not alone.
at least someone now knows our secrets, and there is security in accountability.

***

i've learned recently that i need to do a better job at letting people into my life and allowing myself to be loved. it's hard for me to trust people, but i'm getting better. i think God has brought some really amazing people into my life that he is going to use to break my shell. i think it could be good. i think he is going to begin to heal my heart and show me what it means to truly live.

old musings

Friday, November 09, 2007

can’t sleep. already cleaned everything.

i once had this vision, of something i wanted to do.

i can still see it, but it's off in the distance now. sometimes i think i can just reach out and grab it, but then God reminds me why i am where i am today. he still needs to teach me things. he needs me to be where i am, doing what i'm doing, so i can be prepared for the future he has in store. i didn't believe it at first, but lately, it seems to make sense.

this is for my friends, who want to light the fire...

we are a plagued people. we have dirtied and distorted everything God has given us. we can barely see the beauty in anything anymore. we have to peel back several layers to find anything authentic. we are insecure and discontent. we need more, want more and wish we were anything but ourselves. the gift of life has become a curse and a burden. we don't appreciate anything. we dwell and can't wait for 'whatever it is' to be over. many of us live everyday as part of pattern. rhythm is comfortable, and all that is known. we accept what our traditions have brought us, and play our part, one generation at a time. we look around and we know that the times have changed. everything is getting worse, but that's just the natural progression. 'nothing can be done' we say. so we continue to accept our current circumstances. we wait for someone else to change things, or we convince ourselves that Jesus is coming back soon.

well...

he's not here yet. and though he is indeed coming, the time isn't today. he wants us to make good use of our time here. he wants us to do what we can to bring people to him. he wants us to stop waiting, and start living. he did not create us to sit back and remain indifferent. he also did not create sin, but it happened. and it's a powerful force in our world today. though we are sinners, we also have the power and the strength of a mighty God to help us overcome whatever we come up against.

so we must be brave enough to face the harsh realities before us. we must fill our minds with truth and ask God for the strength to carry on. we must educate those that need to hear truth. we need to bring forth change.

we need to be willing to let God lead. it's scary to let go, but it's neccessary to see God really work. it's a beautiful thing when we trust him. i believe he smiles and takes our hand. imagine what he could do through each and every one of us if we just asked him to work?

why sit back and wonder?

ask him.

and be silent.

listen to what he's laying upon your heart.

independence

it's july 4 today, and i believe a "Happy Independence Day" is in order.

this isn't a history lesson, but can you believe that our country has only been free for 233 years? that doesn't seem like THAT long ago.

i mostly wanted to write on the subject to express my thanks and gratitude for the freedom we get to experience in our country. i don't want to ruffle any feathers, but i think all too often, we as a society can get too wrapped up in things going on around us, and forget just how lucky we are.

we argue and fight about policies, about war, about political candidates and our health care system--which sure, are all valid things to have an opinion about--but i think sometimes we focus so much on these things, we allow ourselves to get disappointed in the country that has also given us so much freedom and opportunity to enjoy life and make something of it.

i use to say to people, "if you're really so unhappy here and hate the way everything is done, why don't you just leave? why not go to the middle east, central america, or asia? do you really think it would be better there?"

people all over the world are living in poverty that we can't comprehend. i know that we have poverty in our own country too, but it doesn't touch the surface of what exists beyond the US. and our government that we hate and complain about so often...? i can guarantee you that if you were living under a dictatorship, forced to live in a communistic society, you wouldn't be thinking our democratic style of doing things is so bad. think about the women in the middle east that virtually have no freedom. the christians all over the world that are tortured and killed because they want to believe in God. the sick and hurting that have no chance because everyone around them IS sick, and hurting, and that's how their government, or lack of a government wants it.

compared to the rest of the world, we have it pretty good. NO, things aren't perfect. there is a lot of stuff going on here that could bring tears to our eyes, and it does. it's not right, and it's not fair. i personally think we've taken our freedom to far, filling our lives with so many things that are not important, only distracting us from the the things that really matter in life. but that's another topic.

but, all in all, i'm grateful and happy that i live here, in the united states of america.

i have the freedom to worship a God that I love. i have the opportunity to develop a skill set that God has given me, and work. i have the privilege of an income, that can not only pay my bills, but bless others as well. i can wear what i want, live as i want and believe what i want. there are actually, very few things that i cannot do. it's really a matter of doing my best to choose the right things to do and live by, and using caution with the rest.

so, with that being said. enjoy today. enjoy the fact that you CAN enjoy today. enjoy your family, your friends, your freedom.

we are blessed.

where is batman when you need him

mark and i awoke this morning to a knock on our door. at 3:30 am. i wasn't sure if i was dreaming or not, so i asked him if it was really a knock, and he confirmed my suspicion. he gets us, and creeps toward the door. me, having seen way too many horror movies, tells him not to look through the peep hole. you could lose an eye!

my mind starts racing about who could possibly be knocking on our door at 3:30 in the morning. i remember that my mom has been home alone for the past 8 days (my dad and brother are up in alaska). i think to check my phone. one missed call. from mom's cell. at 3:20 am. a light bulb turns on. i whisper to mark, i think it's my mom. she called me just a few minutes ago.

the tension begins to lift, as mark opens the door, and my little mom stares back at us. "there was another bat in the house." WHAT?! i had just rallied up some of zac's friends to go over there on wednesday and kill a different bat that had shown his ugly face. "another bat? are you serious?"

she goes on to tell us that she woke up at 2 am to the sound of fluttering wings. when she opened her eyes, she could see it, flying around her head in circles around the room. she threw the covers over her head and mummified herself within the blankets, trying to figure out what to do. she couldn't believe there was another one. she had just gotten over the fact that there was one in the first place, and felt relieved that it must have been a freak, one-time thing. but no, another one showing up had confirmed her greatest fear: they had a bat problem.

but where were they getting in? and how? that's what she couldn't figure out. they've never had a bat problem, a rodent problem, or really even a bug problem. this seemed so bizarre.

oh, and apparently cats are good for nothing, because they didn't smell or find them throughout all of this. i secretly hope they get bit and get rabies. i wouldn't care. may sound harsh, but honestly...they have no real purpose. annie just molests people with her ear licking, and sadie just begs for treats. other than that, they stink up the basement with their litter box, and try to get outside. that's all they do, all day long. i don't see the point.

chief on the other hand...if he gets rabies...that will be a different story. i will not be happy about that. he is just a big blob though. i'm sure he would not frighten or intimidate the bat and give it any reason to bit him. let's cross our fingers.

so anyway. i'm tired today, and thought it was a funny story. if you enjoyed hearing it, well good. if not, thanks anyway.

maybe your friday be a wonderful one. and listen to some MJ for me. only a few more hours in the office...

peace.

flesh

a good communicator must be able to put themselves in the shoes of the one they hope to connect with. they must be able to step outside the box of what they know, and see how things are perceived from a different perspective. they also must be willing to put all biases aside and absorb a variety of opinions. more than anything, they must know who they are catering their message to, and what really gets that 'person' going. WHAT will reach them at a heart level? what will make them take your words seriously and dwell on them? and what will make your message stand out from the rest?

it's a big task to get someone's attention this day and age.
i find myself competing with anything and everything.
yet, i find energy and excitement in knowing that God is in all i do. and that ultimately, it's his message i strive to deliver.
or at least i try to make sure it is.

i invite him to take part. to lead, to show me the way.
his words are greater than mine. his message much stronger.
i'm just a tool, a vehicle...flesh.

a heart thing

i'm currently reading a book called "left to tell" which is a true story from a woman that survived the Rwandan holocaust. it's unbelievable. i've never read anything like it. through all of the devastation she comes up against in this story, she never loses her faith...in fact, it's all she has left.

her entire family has been taken from her, and she is in hiding. her, and seven other women, are crammed in a bathroom 3 ft wide by 4 ft long. they have been hiding here for nearly two months. they have lost a considerable amount of weight, they stink, they have body lice, they are weak and they are starving. she goes on to tell about her days in this bathroom. the women take turns stretching ever 12 hours or so, because to move or stretch without everyone's coordination would mean an elbow in a face, or a knee in a rib. in the mean time, between stretch breaks and sleeping, she prays. 15-20 hours a day she prays. she prays for her safety. she prays that she would endure this. she prays for her family. she prays for forgiveness. and she even prays that god would forgive the killers that are hunting her. during certain moments when she fears they are about to be discovered, she begins to pray that god would not let them be found. she prays until beads of sweat are running down her forehead. until someone startles her and lets her know the threat has passed. she hears satan's voice constantly telling her that she deserves to die. that she will be found, raped, murdered. she prays that god would take the thoughts away, the lies. she prays in god's name, and she gives her life totally and completely up to him.

it's incomprehensible for me to think about this situation. it's also incomprehensible for me to think about praying for 15-20 hours a day. i can barely manage a prayer once a day, and she is spending the majority of each day in prayer. i can't imagine what that would do to your life. how it would change you, define you, inspire you. i am put to shame when i think about how lucky i am. how free i am. how choosy i am. i make time for god when it's convenient for me. sometimes i wish he was all i had so i could rediscover him in a new way.

as i've been reading this book i've experienced a bit of a heart change. i can't ever know the intense love that god has for his children, but i think i got a glimpse of it today. for no apparent reason, when leaving the grocery store, i met eyes with the guy pushing the carts back into the store. he was middle-aged, which seemed unusual. and i wondered what his story was. i am too guilty of making judgments and being hard on people. i dismiss people too easily as weird, creepy, gross. i don't look past outward appearances. but today i didn't see anything but this man's heart. i continued to watch him and i felt a wave of emotion come over me for this person. this cart guy. it was like god was showing me, 'jackie. this is how i feel about him. this is how i feel about you. this is how i feel about people...all the time. i love them so much.' i just sat there and held on to that feeling. i wanted it to stick. i wanted to return home and feel it. to take it with me to work tomorrow, into my interactions with people. i wanted to live it, breathe it and let it sink into the depths of me.

i hope i get there one day. i know i will never be able to comprehend the hugeness of the LOVE of God, but i do believe that he will give me new eyes. and new perspectives.

we've been created in his image, and he loves us ever so much. i want to love him more. i pray that i will.